I didn't really like the idea of going through an existential crisis over Christmas. Questioning relationships (and the meaning of life) is hard at any time, but even harder when everything is "supposed" to be holly and jolly and mistletoe is supposed to be hanging from every door. But there I was. And I cried in the mall one afternoon. And it was good, because it drove me to look to God and ask Him why I was going through this.
I began to realize that my relationships, my near-future plans, and my life weren't moving in any common direction. I had no vision beyond going back to school in the next few months, and a vague idea that I wanted to visit Chicago in the next year or two. Having no goal in sight left me floundering, being tossed by whatever happened each day.
I set out to set goals.
Goal #1: have goals.
I was recently introduced to the idea using a single word to lend cohesion to the year, instead of rigid New Years resolutions. I chose the word "still" for 2015.
Still is cool, because it has two significant meanings. Psalm 46:10 says " “Be still, and know that I am God." This meaning is pretty obvious: Sit still. Shut up. Listen. Watch. Hope. But then there's the other kind, the kind when you're waiting for something, and God tells you to wait more, and you ask, "Still?" And God tells you he's still there. And the question becomes, will I wait, still, peaceful, still?
I'm realizing that it's actually good for me that I am asking myself who I am, what my relationships are about, and where I'm going now. Because this had to shake out someday, and that day was today. And God is good, still. And I can wait, still, for his hand to lift me up.
So yeah, I will be making decisions to follow coherent goals towards a common vision. I plan to learn to cook some decent meals, choose a college, get a killer job, create some great (and some really, really bad) art, and dance more. But I will remember to do all things still. Peacefully, patiently, consistently. I won't be afraid to reach out and ask God if he's still there, because I know he will always answer, "Yes."
And I still want to visit Chicago.
